This topic is a really touchy topic for me honestly. But I thought I would share it with you all. I’m gonna start out with just the gist of my self harming story and then dive deeper into it. So, this might be be a long blog post.
Self harm for me was a way to get out all of my frustration and anger out that I had against myself, my father, my bullies but mostly the world that surrounded me. I am currently clean for 6 months as of October 1st. I have been struggling with self harm since I was 12 years old. It has been a constant battle every day, even still today.
It all started when I was 12 years old after my father had told me that I would never be the “perfect daughter”. I remember running to my room and crying for awhile. I knew my mom was worried about me. She had every right to be. I didn’t know what I was going to do next until I had this fleeting thought about hurting myself.
So, after I knew my mom was asleep I went down to the garage and searched and searched for a box cutter. I’m not going to try and make this very gruesome, but I will tell you this. By the time I was done there were I think around 57 cuts to carve the word “perfect” into my arm. The next day my mom woke me up and was shocked and didn’t even know what to do other than just try to clean the wounds put a bandage on them. I am sure she cried after she dropped me off for school. That day I wore my big sweater. It was an orange ugly looking thing. But it did the job of what I wanted it to do. Hide the cuts and hide what I thought at the time, my ugly face.
The kids at school that did what they always did, teased me for always having my hood up and being overweight. But I did know one thing. I hated every single one of them for they what were doing to me. I remember thinking to myself “If only you knew what I went through last night. If only you knew..” But the thing is, they knew something was up with me already I think and wanted to take advantage of it. That day was the day they started telling me to commit suicide, and that I would be better off dead.
Later that day I had volleyball practice. It was only a community thing and I always had a bunch of fun playing with my team. Plus, I had a killer serve whenever I was able to be on the court. I remember one of my friends in volleyball, who also went to school with me, pulled me to the side and asked me what was wrong. She asking me what was wrong for a few reasons. One was I hadnt taken off my orange jacket yet and it was hot in the gym. The other one was I kept on rubbing my arm because it hurt whenever I hit the ball. Well, of course it did. There were fresh cuts under there. The next thing she did upset me a little bit. I think she knew what I had done.
My friend asked me to pull up my sleeve. I said no (obviously). I didn’t want her to find out and then her to tell somebody like the counselor or her other friends. But, she asked again, and this time I sighed and pulled up my sleeve and she sighed and looked sad. I can’t remember exactly what she had said, but it was something along of the lines of “please don’t do it again.” I really wish I hadn’t done it again.
Later On to Now
A few years later after being in and out of the hospital a few, okay a lot of times, also after a major suicide attempt (which I will also be writing a blog post about another time) I realized that I was being damaging to myself. This was about 2 or 3 years ago when I started realizing this. It was after my first love had committed suicide about 1 to 2 years before in 2013. I had gone 3 months of being clean from self harm once or twice already. I had also already gone once being clean for 6 months before the time now of being 6 months clean.
I started going through therapy and I got on medication. I had been diagnosed with ADD, Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I got on a bunch of different medications, many of which I have been on since I was 12. Therapy has been very helpful for me even though for a very long time I did not admit it was, or I wouldn’t even really talk to my therapist about what was really going on in my mind. Even now I can honestly admit if there is something I really do not want to talk about, I don’t. But then she can usually get it out of me somehow and I feel much better.
I think that what really honestly stopped me from self harming this time around was my fiance (pictured below with me in Orlando). He is my whole entire world. He told me these following words “If you cut again, I don’t know if I can stay”. He didn’t say it in a rude way, mean way, or anything like that. He sounded really heartbroken. I see it on his face how heart broken he was to say that. He then went on to say “The reason I say that I because it hurts me so much when you hurt yourself like that, I can’t bear to watch you do that to yourself”. That is what has kept me going and stopping from cutting myself in the past 6 months. Each time I feel like going to cut, I think of him, I think of myself also and I also think about my mother.
My mom has been through this terribly heartbreaking but eye opening journey with me. I just always hope she knows I love her more than anything. Thank you mom 🙂
So, I guess I am going to wrap up with pictures of my kitties!
Here is moody! (Heh, like Mad Eye Moody)
And here is Remus! (From Harry Potter also!)
Bye for now!